Poverty's Toll

The concept of poverty brings up a tremendous amount of passion and judgments. Most people have an opinion on either how people got into poverty or how they could/should get out of it. But lets put that part of the situation aside for a moment and focus on the actual situation itself (After all, there are plenty of people struggling right now because of a global economic crisis more so than any one thing they have done on their own). What is the actual toll on not just a person in poverty, but what the scenario can mean for their families and their other relationships as well.

Poverty itself is a situation that few people would willfully enter into given a more lucrative option. People want comfort and security in their lives. Poverty takes financial and living security completely out of the equation. Comfort is mostly subjective, but 'subjective' mostly given the surroundings a person lives in. If poverty is 'ok' socio-culturally then that person may be fine with it. If poverty is looked down upon by society then a person may end up ashamed and want to withdraw from that place of humiliation.

But the real toll of this situation comes in its effects on other people, families, and personal relationships. Most people are capable of handling themselves, finding a way to make it all work. Trouble usually comes when they have to look in someone else's eyes. A person looks in the mirror and they know the reasons for their situation, but look in your spouse's eyes, your children's eyes, mother's, etc. That is when things become tough for most people.

But the struggle in this situation does not end with one individual's humility, rather with what it does to these relationships with others over the longer term. Little money for a few weeks or a month – not such a big deal perhaps – but months, years? Look that spouse in the eye, its not the self humility that becomes tough, but the strain that 'life' comes to be under. The stress of the bills, the food, the housing, etc. This type of stress is felt by everyone – not just the one without the job. And sadly this is disproportionally felt by children. More than half of those in poverty in the US are children. It is not their fault, nor can they do much about it. But that does not mean they don't struggle just as much as anyone or feel the direct affects any less than an adult. Kids are as subject to external and peer pressures as anyone – if not more. If they go to school and they don't have things, they need special lunch assistance, they can't go places or do things after school that others may be able to, they feel the same shame, the same humility, but when they look in the mirror they don't see the same reasons the unemployed parents do. They just see the embarrassment, the dissatisfaction, their parents that can't seem to provide fro them. Some of these kids, turn this into blame and resentment. An estranged familial relationship the circles out of control from child to parent and back. And who is to blame? If a parent is laid off due to an outsourced job to Indonesia, is the parent at fault? Does it matter to the child? Maybe not.

Spouses are not much different. When a person commits their life to another person they look to that person for support, love, etc. But what happens when one person is not able to support their end of a bargain? What kind of strain does this put on a relationship? Is it easier to love in prosperity than in poverty? We all want to share in joy and success, but difficulty and despair are tougher to deal with. And then what happens when choices have to start being made, tough choices? There is no going out, little time with friends, no money spent of 'leisure' things or activities. When does that person become less worthy? Life becomes stressful. Which bill do you pay this month, can you make rent, is today meat or veggies? Should we cut out or down the health insurance? What kind of decision making positions does this put people in, and in-turn what kind of pressure is a relationship put under? Choices between 'necessities' can lead to arguments, disagreements, fights. If you don't have to make those tough choices, would a disagreement ever takes place?

I am not illuminating anything new here, poverty is felt by all, even those that don't realize it or ever see it directly in front of them. From loved ones, to children, to simple friends, to strangers, society is wrapped up in its affects. It is important to recognize the pain, the pressure people come under, and it is important to try to understand this feeling and sympathize with it. A person in poverty is struggling inside and out. This is where we need to start our thought process rather than in spending so much time trying to assess blame for 'why' and 'how'. In doing this we forget about the 'what' that is happening. People in society – and their families – need society's support, not their pity, their indifference, or malice.   

Challenging Love

I just thought of a sports analogy that is ignored in 'real' life (I know this blog is fairly anti-competitive, and this point does not want to take anything away from that stance, so bare with this point please).  In order for someone or something to be the best this status must be proven regularly, repeatedly, and sustained.  This is a simple logical truth regarding competition and ranking.  This point being said, think about what it takes not to rank oneself against others but merely to challenge one's own self.

What is it that makes us sharper?  In sports it is said that you can only get better by challenging yourself, you get better by going against the best.  Challenging yourself daily, or perhaps repeatedly, is the only way to hone, develop, and maintain a skill-set.  I could go on for days about how it is these moments that challenge us that confirm our resolve, make us 'better', stronger, more convicted, etc.  It is essential to keep pushing ourselves or striving to be better if we want to expect consistent of greater things of ourselves and to try to live up to these expectations.  Sports, business, life.  Challenge yourself and your strengths show through and new strengths you didn't know you had come about.  A diamond is created by pressure.  Heard that before?

Now take this line of thought and apply it to relationships.  We get involved in relationships, yet we don't challenge them.  We don't truly test them.  It is only in the face of temptation that a true relationship is tested.  You will not love something that you haven't struggled with or fought for.  But it is not about fighting, it is about testing yourself, challenging yourself.  Why don't we do this as a culture?  It is not viewed as appropriate to spend time with another person if you are involved in a relationship.  There is fear, hesitation, worry.  But why?  Why are we so hesitant to find out if the one we are with is really where we want to be?  We get upset about 'cheating', yet there is plenty of doubt – both scientific and practical – as to whether humans are wholly monogamous creatures.  Society has created a culture that values, rewards, and expects a settling of us into monogamous relationships (case in point legal rewards for marriage, tax breaks, etc.).  What would biology say about this?  Are we not here simply to procreate the species?

This being said, 'wo/man' is said to be a social being and need human to human compassion and caring.  So where is the happy medium?  To me, I think it is about testing oneself, and one's relationships.  If you are involved with someone, don't you want them to know they want to be with you?  Why are they not challenging themselves daily? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly? Etc?  The more people you spend time with the more you realize what you want in life.  To me, I think we should all be looking at things openly.  Life should be about two things.  Honesty, and following what one thinks is the right thing and thus wants to do.  (yes, again this can be seen to conflict with other posts – but it does not.  If society constructs individuals to think more inclusively about society and beyond themselves, then their desires will reflect more of the stuff I have been talking about in other posts).  In relationships, it seems that we end up committing and staying together out of a subconscious belief in duty and responsibility, yet more realistically mostly in failure (as the divorce rates keep rising).  I believe relationships should be about openness, and a contextual understanding that allows us all to realize that we want people to be involved with us because they ultimately want to, not because they have to.  How many people have been or are in relationships that feel confining, or entrapping?  Most people have been at some point, yet could they spend time with other people to either be reaffirmed, or to find a better option?  It is so common to go away and miss someone, or to spend time with someone else, and realize that ultimately the time apart simply shows that you are fine where you are.  “The simple thought of her means more to me than another's presence.”  Good quote, but how do you know until you have been both away and in another's presence?

As a society, we need to open ourselves to being more friendly, more open, and more experimentative.  Nothing is known without trying to know it.  And yet what is the best way to learn, is it by doing it or by not doing it?  I think it takes both.  Just as no athlete will ever reach their peak training on their own, so is the case with human's and relationships.  We will never truly find our place without constant challenge to our current place – both in presence and absence.  Learning through failure is just as important – if not more so – than learning through success.