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Saturday, August 31, 2013

War, War, and More War!!

I mean, lets do it!! What are we waiting for?!  A little "limited" strike never really hurt anyone right?!  I mean its a win win for everyone involved.  We get to stick to it to Assad for "provocating with us", our military industrial complex gets to use those shiny weapons it makes billions of dollars off of, the Syrian rebels and all of their unknown and/or undesirable benefactors get a little help in creating government(s) in their own image(s), the 1,000+ dead from the chemical attack get "revenge" for being killed - "Justice" is done!  Those dirty peaceniks get to "feel good" about standing up to tyranny, crying foul for the lack of evidence for invasion.  But the US gets to save face for our little "red line" quip about Syria going too far.  France gets to be called our "oldest ally", the UK gets to say, "hey, we're not actually your lap dogs, we just play one on Iraqi TV."  Both leading to "high fives" in the US's corridors of power at how ingenious we are at manipulating our imbecilic allies and global pubic perceptions.  Not to mention..... FRENCH FRIES RETURN TO THE PENTAGOONS!!  The NSA, while obviously jealous of the fries, contents itself in knowing that attention has been deflected from sitting in our living rooms and getting off on our phone sex, and that Obama's Canadian Bacon styled maintenance of power will keep allowing it to tap that!

Meanwhile, back in the desert.  Egypt gets to keep killing its protesters and tightening its grasp.  Syria gets to retaliate against Israel - and I mean who in the middle east doesn't want an excuse to retaliate against Israel?! Hezbollah of course gets to fire some rockets... and the Palestinians too! (who of course can't see who their shooting at over that giant wall and 400 calorie a day haze).  Iran gets a good sporting show rooting for and training with Hezbollah, while Saudi Arabia gets to keep making money behind the scenes, and Al-Qaeda gets even closer to another lawless enclave to operate from (western Syria anyone?)!!  Given all this "Muslim warmongering," Israel of course can then start blowing shit up throughout the entire region.... never a bad thing there!!

Chaos (oh excuse me, "instability,") reigns, the US and some smattering of the Coalition of the Willing, Part Deux gets to broaden the blank slate its been building in the middle east to bring a more "equitable balance" of power, and eventually set up Burger Kings, oil rigs, and "free" markets for the priceless loot of another ancient museum.  Corporate gain and jobs for all!!  Our alleys can of course share in the riches, both privately and publicly.  We can send them more money for their militaries to keep their own people in line, look the other way when they use cluster munitions on their own people, and get a little extra cash and sport for taking, feeding, and advancing the enhancement of interrogation techniques on those rabble-rousing prisoners soon to be formerly of Guantanamo bay.  The UN then of course gets a little more work out of all this, because they get to go in and do some inspecting.  There Maldivian or Bhutani soldiers of course get "a little something extra" in their blue helmets to use on the ladies.  Doctors get steadier work when cholera breaks out across boarders.  NGO's, not to be despaired, can then run in like superpeople with their willy activist agendas and hugs for all!  Rich people back in the West can feel good about themselves for donating their hard earned inheritances to saving those poor little starving babies with flies on them from dieing of diarrhea and an exploding toy.

Russia of course gets to call the US names.  Vlad gets to go bare chested on horseback again with a giant elephant bazooka talking about how he could single-handedly wrestle a US tank into submission with one handle while beating Obama and a gay guy in a game of spades with the other.  Of course during all this, Edward Snowdon sits by a cozy fireplace in Siberia reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People with his new tennis playing model girlfriend - all the while feeling that much more secure that Russia won't give him up as a diplomatic pawn.  China, quietly and pensively sitting and watching this train wreck, gets to go on loaning money to the US, making billions of dollars on the interest payments, and gobbling up all the resources in the rest of Africa.

Back here in the US spirit is amazingly high! The poor, the black, the brown, and the hoorah type all get to go back to war!  The former alleviating their little unemployment issue by going into the army and getting their recently felony convictions for sneezing in a black neighbrhood pardoned and the right to vote back for becoming war heroes while defending our porous boarders from all evils foreign and Mexican!  The later of course, well, they get to kill a-rabs, towel heads, and Muslim jihadi heathens alike!  Hoorah!!  Government spending of course gets to be reallocated with more discretion towards its "rightful" allocations - away from programs for those dirty, lazy, no work wanting free loaders (high school seniors) and back where it belongs: putting those dirty, lazy, no work wanting free loaders into an aMerican ass kicking freedom fighting uniform! Hell yeah!!! But not only that, it stimulates the economy too!! The bumper sticker makers get to sell more "support the troops" and "my son Kicks Ass-ad" stickers! Flag and coffin makers prosper, the media gets to cover it all under a hale of advertising dollars, gas companies profits sore amidst rising prices and Canadian pipeline bliss! Shitty oil for all!! (obviously opposition drops to energy dependency amidst these blatant national security concerns.)  Hydro-Fracking companies obviously see opposition fall as well due to the precariousness of that pesky oil dependency issue. And of course in terms of sustainability this is the ultimate win-win for all involved!!  We get closer to resource independence, companies make billions of dollars (and create six new jobs for people in southeast Azerbaijan) and people in gas regions get free heat in their kitchens and bathrooms (save the cost of a match!).

I just think this is the greatest idea ever.  Let's do it.  Lets go kill more people.  I mean, why would they want to live?  Life sucks.  It was Buddha that said all life is suffering right?  So stop trying to fix it and just end it. We can all go to our chosen denoted parcel of heaven or the like right?  So I don't see any reason why we shouldn't just go ahead, send a couple innocent little strikes over there to the middle east.  Everyone wants it.  Men, women, children, they don't want to live. I mean, its gotta be really hot in those head scarves. Plus, what's a little peace in the middle east without a little spilled milk?  (except in Palestine, where they don't have any milk).  So Fuck it, lets just go kick ass and take money!  Hoorah!!

Oh... wait.  Yeah, I was just thinking about this from a human-centric perspective.  There is of course that whole earth thing to think about as well.  But now that you mention it, all in all, it wins out as well.  There'd end up being LESS PEOPLE, less population to consume it.  I mean, from cancer in Pennsylvania, to those pesky children in Palestine, to the dirty jihadi's in well... geez... everywhere it seems we get to wipe millions of people of the face of the earth.  I mean, yes, some would say it would come at the cost of a little climate change or "pollution" given the massive industrial ramp up to create war, fly around the world marketing it, and then rebuild everything afterwards.  But you know, when you really break that whole climate change thing down, that stuff isn't even really a proven science anyway!  So not so much of a worry after all!  Woo Hoo!!  Let's do it!  Hoorah!!

[beating of drums, beating of drums]

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